Everybody Loves Laxus
by LaxusPlayer
Summary: When Laxus loses a bet, he has to confront the strongest mage in the guild about his activities with his daughter. It could only ever end badly. Physical Laxana and some implied Miraxus, but this isn't really a romance fic. Have fun reading this.


Everybody Loves Laxus

_A/N: So I figured I'd do a Laxus fic since I love the guy (if you couldn't already tell from my profile). If you don't like the ship don't worry; this is more Laxus being awesome than anything else. Set after the Magic Games and thoughts are in italics. Enjoy..._

"Laxus I'm sick of your shit!" yelled Makarov, "I'm telling you now, Erza doesn't wear pads."

"How the hell would you know old man?!" Laxus yelled back, "You're talking like you're an expert in that field, yet I know in the past 50 years the closest you've come to touching a breast was in the Sunday roast!"

Sparks were flying between the two and Mirajane, ever the peacemaker, thought she should step in before the two of them broke out into a death match that would flatten the whole of Magnolia.

"Um...I could find out if you want?"

They both looked at her astonished. They knew the demon of the guild had many strange and mystical powers, but this was a bit of a stretch even for her. Mirajane smiled sweetly.

"Are you doubting my skills boys?"

Knowing better than to disagree, they shook their heads. "No."

"Good good then." the smiling continued and Makarov began worrying. When that bitch smiles, shit goes down. "Well why don't you make a bet and make things interesting?"

Laxus grinned at the sound of that. "Fine, sounds like fun. If I win, Gramps has to explain to Natsu about the birds and the bees."

Makarov glared at his grandson. "Well when I win, you'll have to talk to Gildarts about Cana. And don't be expecting any help from me when it hits the fan."

Laxus' grin faded. "When did you say? That's quite a lot of misplaced confidence you got there. Maybe I should remind you about what happened in the park when..."

"THAT WAS FIFTEEN YEARS AGO LAXUS AND I SUCK AT BASKETBALL! LET IT GO!"

As the two argued some more, Mira slipped away. She had to act quickly to prevent a disaster, although she still wondered how they even got to the point of arguing over Erza's boobs. "_It is the master though..._". Looking around, she spotted Erza over on a table reading.

"Hey Erza, can I...?" she called out before being interrupted.

"No I don't wear pads." she replied, not looking up from her book.

Mira was horrified. "How did you...?"

"I have good hearing," she replied, then smiled evilly, "and don't worry about it. This is going to be too good to miss."

Mira sighed then returned to Laxus and Makarov. "Laxus I'm..."

"Shut up I heard." he said grumpily.

Makarov on the other hand was laughing his tiny arse off. "Ohhh Jesus this is going to be too good to miss! Have you written your will yet or should we just forget it since Gildarts isn't going to leave any trace of you?! Ahahahahahahahaha!"

Laxus was about to make a comeback before it hit him that the old fart was probably right. "Mira," he turned to the model, "I have a favour I need to ask from you."

Mira blushed. "Erm...yeah. Anything you want."

In less dire circumstances Laxus would have raised an eyebrow, but with his impending date with death drawing ever closer he had no time for that.

"I want to be buried underneath the guild hall," Mira almost went teary eyed with the sentiment, but scowled when Laxus added, "along with Grampa's 'treasure chest'."

Makarov exploded upon hearing that. "You bastard that contains my po-...magazines!"

Laxus winked at him. "Ohh Grampa, would you deny a dying man his final wish?" Makarov scowled and turned away in a huff.

"I don't get it. Why is Gildarts going to kill you?" Mira asked confused, but before Laxus could explain the man of the hour entered the Guild Hall.

"GILDARTS FIGHT MEEEEEE-" Nastu screamed, launching himself at the older man.

"Not today Natsu." he said wearily, simply backhanding the pink-haired boy into next week.

"How is he able to beat Natsu so quickly?" Lucy asked Gray, who was sitting beside her trying to ignore Juvia's stares.

"That's his pimp hand." he replied simply, then went to go and help Happy retrieve Natsu from the roof.

Meanwhile, Makarov had snapped out of his mood and was once again laughing at his grandson's misfortune. After whistling a rendition of 'for whom the bell tolls', he called out "Hey, Gildarts! Laxus wants to talk to you! Hey over here!"

Laxus promptly punched the Guild Master in the face, but the damage had already been done. Gildarts was slowly walking over to the bar, and with every step he took Laxus could feel his death drawing nearer. Downing his beer, he turned and faced the powerful mage.

"So Laxus, what do you want to talk about?"

Shooting a quick glare at Makarov who was still chuckling despite his broken nose, Laxus sighed and gestured for Gildarts to take a seat. This would take all of his cunning to survive.

"Well I just figured that since you want to be a father so bad, you might want to know a little more about your daughter."

Gildarts eyed Laxus suspiciously. Yes he did want to become more fatherly to Cana, but at the same time he was incredibly protective. "How do you know so much about her?"

Laxus could feel Gildarts' magic rising, and began sweating. He had heard the stories of what Gildarts had done to Bacchus and the rest of Quatro Puppy (yeah the kept the name) after finding out about what 'trophy' had been taken from his sweet little girl. Apparently, Bacchus had been hung from a tree by it while the rest of the Guild were systematically pulverised for association with him. It had been a month and they were still in hospital with less than 1% chance of surviving the year, while Bacchus himself had checked into an insane asylum. "_I've visited his cell too." _Laxus thought,_ "Whatever the old geezer did to him gives me nightmares._" Summoning his wits, he finally replied.

"We've been on a few quests together and we sometimes were drinking buddies."

Gildarts immediately smiled and began laughing while his aura fell. Laxus inwardly sighed in relief, then electrocuted Makarov who was singing a chorus of "Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!"

"Well as long as they were just quests that's fine. He he for a second there I thought you may have been dating her!"

Laxus joined in with nervous laughter. "Yeah right, me and Cana?! Never in a million years!"

The laughter continued for a minute until Gildarts finally calmed down. Wiping a tear from his eye, me said, "Ahhh well I guess I don't have to skin you alive then."

A bead of sweat rolled down Laxus' back while in the background Erza muttered "He'd do it too I swear to god..."

"Well thanks for helping me out here Laxus; I really have no clue about her. So tell me, what sort of things is she into?"

This began a second round of laughter from Makarov, which earned him yet another thunderbolt from Laxus.

"Well she's into drinking and poker I guess. She's also a bit freaky when it comes to..."

"When it comes to what?" Gildarts said, boring his eyes into Laxus'. "_Man who knew this old guy was such a psycho?_"

"THE BEDROOM!" someone yelled from the back of the guild. Without even looking, Laxus shocked them with lightening. Their last words were "It was totally worth it..."

Drinking up, Laxus figured he better just come clean. "_Screw cunning and surviving, lets have some fun._""Ok so I fucked your daughter."

Gildarts blinked, then began smiling psychotically. Mira also began smiling at this point, although it was crying that was going on inside her as opposed to fiery rage. "Is that so Laxus? Tell me; how is she freaky in bed then?"

"She's an animal man. Like seriously I've fucked many girls, but none even come close to her. The girl's crazy." Laxus answered, realising that he may as well enjoy his last few moments on earth being the cunt he was born to be.

Suddenly the girl in question came out from behind the bar. "Oh hey guys! What are you talking about?"

"I'm telling your dad about how many times I've destroyed you." Laxus said without missing a beat. Grabbing another beer from the bar, he figured he'd get as many pints in his system before the beating began. Cana blushed.

"Well not that it's any of your business DAD but yeah, I've had sex with Laxus several times."

"It was more than several..." Laxus muttered but was cut off when Gildarts put his arm prosthetic around Laxus' shoulder.

"Well I guess I have a new son-in-law aye?"

Laxus shrugged the arm off and snorted "God no! Hell I was just in it for the sex, not the whole drama thing."

Mira meanwhile had crushed the glass she had been holding. Elfman shifted over to her to see if she was hurt, to which she simply smiled back at him. "_Yeah she's going to kill us all._"

Cana shrugged too. "Yeah we're not dating. Basically he's hot and I'm horny, so I put the two together and had a lot of fun nights."

Makarov by this point has having a heart attack from laughing so hard. He began singing "From the window...to the wall, to the wall...", but was silenced this time by Mira tapping him on the shoulder.

"Master, why didn't you tell me Laxus and Cana were together?"

Her smile killed the laughter, and he began praying for someone to save him. Natsu did.

"Gramps, I think I swallowed a tooth..."

"Ohh well I guess we'll have to go look at that. Bye now!" he said, practically running into his office. The demon inside was on the verge of coming out of Mira by now and he figured that would be the safest place for him.

Gildarts, on the other hand, was thinking of stepping outside of the Guild Hall at this point and tearing Laxus a new anus. "Well if you kids had fun, thats...all that...matters..."

Sensing Gildarts was struggling to control himself, Laxus thought it was time to hit home.

"Oh and btw, I'd wash that cloak if I were you. Your daughter is a very messy girl."

By now everyone in the guild was listening in, so after that comment they all heard something snap in Gildarts brain.

"THAT'S IT EVERYBODY DIES!"

Turning into a lightning bolt, Laxus tried to fly out of the door whilst flipping everyone off. Sadly, the older mage was quicker than he looked, and managed to catch the Dragon Slayer mid flight by his foot. Swinging him round, he bashed Laxus' head against a nearby wall, causing it to crumble and fall down on top of the bar. While Cana dived back in to save the beer, Mira just stood there, still smiling and dying inside.

"Hey man don't damage the face! That's her favourite part of me-..."

As Gildarts began breaking every bone in Laxus' body one by one, the Thunder Legion looked on from the corner of the room. Evergreen and Bickslow were smart enough to not join this fight, while Freed was on the floor crying over how Cana got to sleep with Laxus and he didn't. "Whyyyyyyyy?! Whyyy can't I have boobs?!"

The beating lasted for a good two hours, and while at first most of the guild were enjoying it, by the end they were being sick. Even Erza looked a bit green when she saw Gildarts trying to suffocate Laxus with month old cake she'd put in the fridge and forgotten about. The only person who seemed happy besides Gildarts was Mira, who had still not stopped smiling. Finally the red-haired mage stopped and took a seat nearby to admire his handiwork.

"Still feeling like a stud there goldie-lax?"

Somehow Laxus was still alive, and he managed to raise his head. "_If you say nothing, you may make it out alive._" his common sense told him, "_Freed can probably get you to a hospital, and after three years of extensive surgery you might pull through. Just don't. Say. Anything. Ok?_"

He managed a crooked smile, then he croaked out "Hey Cana; there's one bone in my body your dad didn't break..."

Winking at the brunette, he collapsed back onto the ground laughing. Inside his head, his common sense was screaming at him for being the most idiotic person on the planet, but that didn't matter. As Gildarts stood up and dragged him out of the Guild Hall to be buried alive, the rest of the guild made the sign of support by raising their hands in the air. Laxus didn't give a shit though as he was already in his happy place.

"_It was totally worth it._"

_A/N: I am tempted to do an alternative where Laxus wins the bet and Makarov has to teach Natsu some important life lessons, but I'll only do it if you all think it's a good idea. Read, review and tell me what you think._


End file.
